Wednesday, November 23, 2011

PYHO - I just need to write...

I just need to write, to sit down and let my words spill onto the screen.  To clear my head of the thoughts running rapid and swirling around like a tornado in trailer park!  I have been trying to focus my thoughts, so I could complete a sentence, so I could let you all in on why I have been so absent both on my blog and everyone Else's, but I can't seem to make it work. 
So I put on a song that I listen to when my head feels like this and I blasted it through my head phones, closed my eyes and tried to escape for a moment.  One child off to Karate with hubby, one child playing his beyblades and the other doing his homework.  I got to the .45 min mark of the song before being poked at, cried at and whined at.  Really!! "MOMMY NEEDS A COUPLE F'N SECONDS!!!"
It has been "one of those times" lately.  Don't get me wrong, there isn't a huge amount of really horrible things crashing down on me, and I am not not in need of sympathy, just overwhelmed.  The worst part is most of these "things" aren't happening TO ME, but I can't seem to break away from them.
A friend posted on her facebook that "God would never give us more than we can handle", well God, I think my basket is full!!  Like really full!! 
I know that there are so many facing such worse things, and I really have no right to complain.  Perhaps it is my own fault for having such high expectations of myself and others around me, or perhaps it is the fact that although I am trying so hard I just can't seem to "live in my own life, and just love what IS"
To be honest I am not really sure.  I know I am one of those people that has "eyes bigger than my stomach" and I heap way too much on my plate, so I have been trying really hard to stop doing that.  Take each day as it comes, (man I am full of catch phrases today), and enjoy it. 
As I told you I joined the Isagenix 30 day Challenge, and it has been just that, a Challenge.  But an amazing one.  The lady leading the challenge is so great, and the others in the challenge have been amazingly supportive.  I love reading the daily posts, and the great tips and ideas to help us not only get in shape physically, but mentally and spiritually (which is what I really need right now). 
I run to clear my mind, but lately running seems to bring the whirling thoughts that much faster.  I didn't even go to group, and I spent the time kicking my ass mentally for being so stupid!  The quiet fills my head, with what if, just maybe, and I wonders. 
I am fighting to keep a smile on my face lately, and I can't even bring myself to write the words down to tell you why, they hurt that much. 
I keep taking breaks from finishing this post because I really don't know where I want it to end.  I have more that I want to write, but to be honest it may ruffle feathers, and I am not wanting the drama.  I am trying to make my life as simple as I can, no drama, no big WHOP LA, with focus on just me and my family . 
This Challenge is really helping me to look inside myself, and I think that is what is missing in so many of the weight loss, go to the gym routines.  When you change your lifestyle, your size and who you are on the outside, you can't help but be a different person on the inside too.  Sometimes it can be really hard, often you have to make a choice.  Your old lifestyle came with, those foods, those events, those choices. Your new life comes with different people, food,choices and values.  So if you want to keep your new you, sometimes you edit.  For me, my old lifestyle would stress about everyone, and every little thing, then have way to much to drink and eat to drowned out all the thoughts and stress.  Don't get me wrong, there was great times, but if I really what to be a better me, then no more stressing over others, and I need to LIVE MY OWN LIFE!!

I want to say thank you to Shell once again.  Your PYHO gives all us bloggers a chance to let it out, and today I really needed it.  Hopefully now that I have cleared my head I can finally post some of the things I have been wanting to!
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